Reconnecting, part 1

Resolving the consequences of sexual boundary violation: it can be done

This article is/was placed in the Trade journal for contextual counseling, volume 27, number 1, March 2022.

Because it is an extensive article, we offer it here in 3 parts. It is advisable to read it in the order it was written, i.e. part 1, part 2 part 3.

In guidance

Over the past decades, I have counseled hundreds of women and men who have been abused. Some I have seen occasionally when there was another bite to process. With a few, I have hung out for several years.

When the editors of the Journal of Contextual Workers asked me to write an article on processing sexual boundary crossing, N. - who wishes to remain otherwise anonymous - and I sat down together.

We consulted and wrote this article together. We decided to let N. do the talking in the I-person and that I myself provide all the theoretical frameworks in the process.

The personal story on the one hand and the theoretical interpretation on the other flow together. N. used an 11-month recovery process, which is discussed in between and at the end.

Abused

"Now it can be said openly, without fear of being labeled as 'psychologically disturbed.' Like so many women and men who were raped, I am now reasonably healthy and balanced, enjoy my life and work, have a nice family and good relations with my family.

This while I was repeatedly abused at a young age. I praise myself that I "got off well. But did I? It left me with intense irritations (anger) with moments of self-alienation, chronic stress and a host of physical complaints (sinusitis, severe allergies, fibromyalgia, spastic colon, diverticulitis, endometriosis, ...).

Not to mention the "common" physical discomforts such as vomiting when brushing my teeth or extreme anxiety at the dentist, the forbidden areas where I could not be touched and the hesitation at spontaneous hugs.

I have had an awful lot of work to trust men in a balanced way (not too much and not too little) and to feel connected to other women.

And then at times there was despair, wanting to end it, feeling depressed and lacking self-care. The burden I carry is so common to me that sometimes it seems like it belongs to me, and it doesn't."

N. knows where her stress, anxiety and distress come from and how she can solve them immediately with the method she uses for that. She knows what is going on in her brain. Anger was her way of working out her impulsive fear responses (fight response).

Her lack of self-care and wanting to end it are a sign of how she wants to escape from her body. Her physical ailments showed through immune reactions (inflammation) where the "invasion" had taken place (mouth, anus, vagina).

These conditions indicate where her body has become "frozen" (stiffened). They are all expressions of extreme stress reactions resulting from previous trauma.

They are all automatic reactions to sexual boundary crossing: her body and mind are trying to make sure she is safe now. These impulses are self-destructive and damaging to her relationships. She herself and those around her have suffered.

"I went through the ground of shame after being overwhelmed by anger again. Meanwhile, I learned to take full responsibility for my behavior and my life.
I no longer have to accuse, demand correction, strike back, distract myself, protect myself; I no longer have to make myself sick, lose myself in inner conflicts. There is an outcome, I have found it and I am using it".

At the end of this article, we will return to the method by which N. immediately addresses and resolves her irritations.

Coming to light

"When I was 13, I brought up the abuse and it was immediately covered up. Since then it was always there for me, in the way I looked.
For years it remained an invisible-present wound that could evoke confusion and pain at any touch, resulting in a "stay away from me" snarl.

For a long time it stayed neatly in the background, until, as a nurse, I assisted a woman who was dying. She couldn't let go. Her file said she had been abused by her son-in-law.

I took her head in my arm and she died quietly and safely, as I caressed her.

A few weeks later, a patient was particularly agitated after finding out from the psychologist that he had raped his daughters. He ran through the hallways crying.

Then I resolved to myself that this would not happen to us. We would be able to look each other in the eye and die peacefully, both myself and "my perpetrators.

Finding peace became the main drive in my life. What a work! And so rewarding: my whole environment benefits from it".

- We always put "my perpetrators" in quotation marks because these people are much more and also mean much more to N. than the sexual boundary violation they committed.

Silence and speech, both

Sexual boundary crossing can be "tucked away" for years to survive. It is as if a piece of the personal story is not accessible in the person's memory.

At some point, when the person encounters triggers in the inner or outer world that trigger the experiences, the facts come back into focus. Even if there is a vague knowing, discovering to have been abused remains shocking, especially to the person himself.

One's own disbelief, distrust of the images coming back, fear of exaggerating, pain that no one can really empathize with these situations of total abandonment, need for sharing and recognition.

Within counseling, N. received help in the form of spiritual counseling.

"I was given time and space to wrestle with being abused and with my own blind reactions. My spiritual director introduced me to contextual thinking.

I could read about it and for the first time I had a framework for understanding what had happened to me. It placed my individual story in a larger family and societal context."

N. went into contextual therapy. That sent her "home" to hear the stories from around her. Her personal story became a family story.

Her listening also awakened the need to speak. There was a lot of charge on that. She knew from a young age that she had to keep this a secret, if not she would betray "the perpetrators. That created tremendous inner conflict that occasionally exploded.

She also noticed that no one was waiting to reveal this injustice. Those who hear about sexual boundary crossing in their own circles are confronted with information about people for whom they perceive respect.

It is about intimate information and injustice. The hearer is placed in an uncomfortable position: will they possibly want to hear and acknowledge, but won't they do an injustice to "the offender"? What is true?

Because the hearer typically does not ask to be involved, "having to hear" abuse itself may be perceived as transgressive.

"I attended EMDR and regression therapy. All the dredging up, knowing in every detail exactly what happened, didn't make it better, on the contrary. My anger flared up, sometimes it became panic.

There was like desire to be recognized for what had happened to me, to find peace, to be safe. But when I released it, everyone within my context felt shortchanged.

After my aunt's funeral, a niece spoke to me and complained. She had heard from her mother that my father had abused me. She felt I should have kept this quiet because it had changed her ideal image of my father....

To the outside world I had to be silent and from within I had to speak. It took all of us a lot of energy to maintain the relationships".

'Perpetrator' and 'victim' for the rest of our lives?

Bringing sexual boundary violation out into the open is very hurtful, to the person themselves, to the "perpetrators" and to the entire environment.

Too often it is released in fear, panic and rejection. Sometimes there is so much aggression in the accusation that it feels like taking revenge on the "perpetrators. As a result, both the 'perpetrator' and the environment may experience the disclosure as boundary crossing.

There is a danger that "perpetrators" will be labeled as "offenders" for the rest of their lives, and "victims" will also get stuck in that pattern. Although N. herself aimed to make peace, she can now acknowledge that she too has fallen into all the traps.

We sometimes wonder: can someone who has been abused get the recognition needed from their environment? The environment itself is heavily burdened: everyone loses the illusion of an "ideal childhood," the common story crumbles.

There is hardly room in the narrative of the environment for a counter narrative that is so different. Can the environment do anything but reject?

"Because of the misunderstanding, it felt dangerous for me to become visible and be visible. Sharing my story openly created even more insecurity and led to retraumatization in everyone around me who had previously experienced something in the nature of abuse.

And at the same time 'may every story resonate,' my story too may be there."

Marina Riemslagh, PhD