Connected again (3)
This article was posted in the Trade journal for contextual counseling, volume 27, number 1, March 2022.
Because it is an extensive article, we offer it here in 3 parts.
It is advisable to read it in the order in which it was written, i.e.
Read Part 1 (click here)
Read Part 2 (click here)
Part 3 (here you are now)
Those who were abused need recognition and redress
Injustice must be recognized and much more than that: injustice must be righted. Whoever takes from you what belongs to you must give it back to you. And if that is not possible, you must be compensated.
Those who are guilty must acknowledge and rectify their guilt. While "the perpetrator" often has no awareness of what he has done and feels offended when it is pointed out, the one who experienced abuse continues to foot the bill.
The experience of "satisfying a sexual urge" along the side of the "perpetrator" and the experience of those who suffer from it, often for years, are so immensely distant from each other that at times any common ground of existence seems to be lacking.
N. so longed for peace. But peace requires recognition and rectification, which these so different experiences make difficult to work on. Solidarity is lacking.
At times, this can be perceived as so unfair that guided steps are needed.
"At some point, I did the math on what the abuse had cost me. I spent a fortune on counseling, on physical surgery (including diverticulitis, endometriosis), on physical therapy (posture correction), ... not to mention the pain it cost me.
My claim for compensation has always met with a lot of resistance. 'It was too late, I should have released it when it happened,' was one of the things I was charged with. I had 'no right to speak now'.
At one point the resistance got so bad that my children were contacted to convince them that I was ready for admission to psychiatry. There had been times where this might have been necessary, but not when I rather calmly requested correction.
For my children to be approached to have me, their mother, declared mentally unstable was way over the line for me. It felt like everything was repeating itself again. I asked only that they intervene in my mounting expenses or somehow reimburse me for something so that I could complete this chapter in my life.
For me, compensation really symbolized sharing the burdens together and bringing closure to a deep imbalance in my life. It seemed like a stalemate we wouldn't get out of. Because of what I did with Live The Connection, it worked out anyway".
Often the person who experienced sexual boundary violation thinks that the 'perpetrator' is, like himself, constantly aware of it. From all of my counseling, it appears that the 'perpetrator' has no or very little awareness of what they have done.
Recognition presupposes empathy with the other person's experience. This begins with a willingness to listen. But the fear of hearing something unbearable (the "perpetrator" has often experienced sexual boundary violation himself) and having to carry this around for the rest of his life is so great that listening is hardly successful.
To acknowledge suffering is at the same time to realize having brought about this suffering oneself. Doing justice can create in the 'perpetrator' the fear of life-long claims. And what about 'perpetrators' who have since died?
Live The Connection offers processes to stop the revolving account and allow the experience of peace to fully permeate all parties. It is a kind of symbolic shaping in which the entanglements between generations and between different perpetrators are removed. Through these rectifications, peace finally came to N.'s heart, a peace that continues to expand.
Perpetrator or victim, or both?
"And yet I wouldn't want to trade positions. Each of us would rather be a victim than a perpetrator, right? The perpetrator is looked down upon, he is humiliated, despised ... He is imprisoned in himself, at the mercy of the victim to obtain forgiveness."
While each of us is only "healed as human beings" when we recognize our own perpetration and leave ourselves experienced as victims (Buber, Guilt and Guilt, 1962).
"I realize that both the victim and the perpetrator are present in me. As soon as I get into stress, I feel like a victim and as soon as I 'defend myself' I hit back and become a perpetrator."
There is only one thing to do: get rid of the sensory triggers so that these sensory signals no longer alarm the person. Then there is room for (self)love, peace and tranquility. We all have a right to that. And it can be done. As soon as a person enters the recovery process called Trajectory Breakthrough, they learn to clear their sensory triggers so that the stress literally falls away.
Stress lifting
Once a person becomes stressed, they have lost themselves and open contact with the environment. Stress is the response to the sounding of alarms. The fear centers (amygdalae) detect triggers in the inner or outer world.
It is the sensory cues that trigger the previous loss of control during the abuse. Thinking about what happened to someone or talking about it, seeing sexual images, hearing a story told about sexual intimacies, experiencing sensory cues from situations where loss of control was previously experienced: these can be triggers one by one.
As long as the signals of the initial loss of control remain attached to the fear centers in the brain (amygdalae), it can throw the person completely off track. The first task is to ensure that the fear centers are stripped of the alarm signals.
This is what is popularly called "letting go. The sensory signals must be detached from the amygdalae. Then the previously experienced anxiety and stress ebbs away and the experiences can be taken as neutral memories; the charge is off.
'I employed all kinds of methods to stop the anxiety response. I received intensive counseling, did family and trauma constellations, yoga meditation, PRI (Past Reality Integration), Solution Focused Therapy, Contextual Therapy, PMA (Progressive Mental Alignment), Mindfulness based physiotherapy, Ho'oponopono, EMDR and PSYCH-K.
Often it stirred up and activated the traumas without bringing them fully to rest and peace. And when I did get rid of the charge from some situation, I was stuck in beliefs that perpetuated victimhood.
Finally, with Live The Connection, all the pieces of the puzzle fell together. Everything I had experienced in other forms of therapy worked together into one particularly efficient whole.
During Pathway Breakthrough, the 11-month recovery process, various elements work together to achieve deep peace.
You will learn simple techniques (connection processes) to disconnect triggers from alarm centers and reprogram your brain. These connection processes are applied directly to your own situations. As a result, you notice the impact you have on what you experience.
As you do, you also help others apply these processes. As a result, you experience that you are competent and needed.
You quickly learn to de-stress yourself and change the programming of the subconscious impulses that make you think badly of yourself and others. You can instantly reverse the impulse that makes you feel bad.
You learn to test yourself and find out immediately if your brain is connected or in stress. You clear up the relationships with yourself and "the culprits," so that all the stress disappears from them. In short, by disconnecting the sensory signals from the fear centers, the stress that sticks to them is lifted along with them.
Called to peace
Removing stress is one thing, finding peace within yourself and with "the perpetrators" involves much more. The Live The Connection processes used during Pathway Breakthrough rely on the deep inner knowing that loving respect is more powerful than all injustice.
Through the processes of connection, self-alienation is removed. As a participant, you engage yourself more and more to stop all destructiveness so that, if you choose, you can complete or rebuild relationships.
The peace that before seemed impossible is now being actively worked on.
The remarkable thing is that these "connection processes" are so simple that anyone can learn it, children as young as about 13 can do it.
"I stepped into Pathway Breakthrough with a kind of desperate hope. I learned the Live The Connection processes and for the first time in my life, hope prevailed. Abuse no longer has the last word. The peace I find has the last word, I get to speak it fully!"
Marina Riemslagh PhD counseled women after abortion, she was a spiritual director and has a PhD in relational ethics. She is a KPV supervisor, coach and trainer in communication. She is the founder and teacher of Live The Connection, an effective way to quickly release stress and build a loving life. More about Live The Connection at www.livetheconnection.com and www.trajectdoorbreken.com
Email: marina@livetheconnection.com
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